To rise again…

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you hear the voice of the Spirit. From the poetry of Emily Dickinson:

Each life converges to some centre
Expressed or still;
Exists in every human nature
A goal,

Admitted scarcely to itself, it may be,
Too fair
For credibility’s temerity
To dare.

Adored with caution, as a brittle heaven,
To reach
Were hopeless as the rainbow’s raiment
To touch, 

Yet persevered toward, surer for the distance;
How high
Unto the saints’ slow diligence
The sky! 

Ungained, it may be, by a life’s low venture,
But then,
Eternity enables the endeavoring
Again.

There is in every life a goal, a purpose. I have lost mine. Once, long ago, in the quiet of a summer’s night, I thought I heard a call from God—that my life, my vocation, and my future were to be bound up with Him and His people. Overwhelmed by a surfeit of anxieties and cares and destroyed by a relentless tide of rejection and failure, I now quail under the conviction that I either failed or was wrong. There seems no evidence to support my claim to calling; surely, I must have “heard” wrong.

Suffering from pneumonia these last ten days, I endured the double anguish of considering what’s become of my life. I feel an orphan in foreign land, a refugee doing what’s necessary rather than what I desire. The exclusion from ministry office is like a sentence of death. While I know my lot is not worthy to be compared with the genuine sufferings of others, for me life has become hell. As I worsened toward the week’s end, I wondered if perhaps my prayers requesting release from this hell were being answered. But then I heard Him speak—in Emily Dickinson, no less! Apparently He is not yet done with me.

I dare not articulate what I have only begun to understand. But I think I heard an echo of Paul: “The gifts and calling of God are without repentance” (Rom. 11:29, KJV). My pursuit is not over; my call not removed. I turned my face to the wall and prayed, and in the night, this word came: “My son, I say unto thee, ‘Arise!’” (Lk. 7:14).

These last few days have been blurry—yet I am making a turn for the better. With the strength that is manifesting, I choose to arise…. I arise with the only venue currently open to me…. I’m coming back.